Applying Knowledge

Typically I am asked by others at work to proof their business letters. Before I took this course, I didn't really think about how I would apply my learnings from school into real life. Today, I received a letter to revise and couldn't wait to carve into it. I used my new found knowledge about conjuctions, subordinates and commas to edit the copy. Usually I dread this type of assignment but now that I am familiar with the grammar rules, I feel more confident about my edits. Here my efforts:

Before my edits:
Subject: Exclusive FL Touring Offer - Reminder (Promo #270)

Dear U.S. Dealer:

The Exclusive FL Touring Promotion as of January 31 has expired. To ensure that all of the customers that came into your dealership to take a demo ride or purchase a motorcycle get their free gift, please make sure to send in the gift cards to H-D Program Headquarters immediately!!! We will still accept the gift cards through February 18.

IMPORTANT ACTION ITEM:
If the customer purchased an FL Touring motorcycle and you sent in their gift card for the $150 Shell Gas Card, please make sure you promptly enter their information into the SWR.
In order to validate the purchase we match the persons name with the SWR file. If the individuals name is not in the SWR, a Shell Gas Card will not be mailed. If you have any questions about the FL Touring Promotion, please contact Program Headquarters at (800) 842-0347.

Sincerely,
XXX



After my edits:
February 12, 2009

To: U.S. Dealer

Subject: Exclusive FL Touring Offer - Demo Ride/Purchase (Promo #270)


REMINDER

Postmark Deadline
The Exclusive FL Touring (Demo Ride/Purchase) Promotion has expired. To ensure that all of your customers that took a demo ride and/or purchased a motorcycle receive their free gift, please mail the gift cards to H-D Program Headquarters in the pre-addressed envelope or send directly to: Program Headquarters (Promo #270) / PO Box 514066 / Milwaukee, WI 53203.

We will only accept gift cards through February 19, 2009.

SWR Deadline
If your customer purchased an FL Touring motorcycle and you sent in the gift card for the Shell Gas Card, please promptly submit the SWR. In order to validate the motorcycle purchase, we match the customer that received the gift card with the SWR registration. If your customer’s name is not in the SWR system by February 19, 2009, a Shell Gas Card will not be mailed to them.

If you have any questions about the FL Touring Promotion, please contact Program Headquarters at (800) 842-0347.

Sincerely,
XXX